Dating with Disability Part 1: Love Beyond the Physical

In 2017, my friends, including Paralympian Lacey Henderson, Dr. Alex Capellini, and I, applied to participate in a discussion panel at the annual South by Southwest (SXSW) conference in Austin, Texas. The proposed topic was "Dating with Disability." With firsthand experience, we understood the unique challenges individuals with disabilities encounter when it concerns matters of the heart. Unfortunately, our application was unsuccessful. However, the significance of the topic stayed with me for the years that followed. I longed for the opportunity to discuss the hurdles faced by people with disabilities, particularly in navigating the dating scene, with hopes of dismantling negative stereotypes.

Representations of couples with disabilities, or interabled couples—where one person in the relationship has a disability and the other does not—are rarely portrayed. This is because there is a stereotype of incapability and incompatibility attached whenever a person living with a disability decides to date. A 2020 study from the University of Sidney revealed that non-disabled people are reluctant to date those with disabilities because they would require too much work, would be socially awkward, or sexually unsatisfying.[1]

Dating apps have become one of the most efficient ways to meet a potential partner. Without leaving the comforts of home, a person can create a profile that highlights what they consider to be their most attractive qualities. The apps generally require filling out three basic prompts; 1, a written biography, 2, a statement of interest, and 3, a few photos. This criterion seems relatively straightforward for many. However, when living with a disability, the apps can be problematic and the simplicity of it all becomes rather challenging because the personality traits separate from one’s physical appearance become less noticeable as soon as one discloses that they are disabled. There can be an almost visceral reaction from non-disabled people that says,  ‘This person is less, this person will need to be taken care of, or we will have nothing in common.’  Judgment sometimes precedes opportunity, and it is all due to fear and lack of education.

 How often has it been expressed that, “Looks don’t matter,” and how rarely has this statement been true? Is it truly possible to live beyond the physical and see people for who they are and not solely on what they look like?

 People who live with disabilities are as capable and varied as those who are non-disabled. Seeking love is a challenging and vulnerable experience for everybody. However, this challenge is heightened for those whom society deems to be less than normal due to circumstances beyond their control.

 Relationships are complex. They require attention to the mind, body, and spirit of each person’s being. Is it possible to equally distribute value to all aspects of a person and is it possible to live and love beyond the physical?  I will have to wait to find out.

[1] Ip, I.M.H., Honey, A. & McGrath, M. Attitudes Toward Dating People with Disability Amongst Young People in Australia and Hong Kong. Sex Disabil 40, 233–244 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11195-022-09734-2